Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.