Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*