Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?


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Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.


Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.


OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.


Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
My wife: So… how are you?


[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.


exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out


[couple inviting me somewhere]
Why yes I’d love to accompany you as a third wheel, it is my most favorite of all the wheels, wheels I love


THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable


Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that