Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.
*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
boss: teamwork is very important
boss: not like that
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos