I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Not today. 😅
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.