Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.