Headed to a funeral. #yolo
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
everyone’s always saying ‘the good ones die young’, ‘god only takes the best’. so I must be immortal
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
Me: would that make you happy?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?