@Brampersandon_

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

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@Smooheed

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

@PetrickSara

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

@david8hughes

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

@roxiqt

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

@OakHill_

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

@FinnMcIver

everyone’s always saying ‘the good ones die young’, ‘god only takes the best’. so I must be immortal

@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

@platinum2000

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?