Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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I’ll always remember the day my wife said “yes” to my proposal.
And I’ll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”