@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

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@bush_piglet

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

@BigBagOfScum

the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…

@Elizasoul80

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

@THEINBREDCAT

Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?

@KeetPotato

pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary

@northernlivng24

I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.

@BoomBoomBetty

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

@abbycohenwl

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

@prufrockluvsong

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?