@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

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@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@ShaunRightNow

I’ll always remember the day my wife said “yes” to my proposal.

And I’ll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.

@PinkCamoTO

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

@blahdevivre

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

@BoogTweets

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

@GinRumMe

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

@UnFitz

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

@themorris23

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”