[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”