WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Mornin
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
shit just got real
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”