@jergarl

Wife:Did you take ambien last night?

Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that’s on fire*
No, why?

W:The dog’s wearing a saddle and she’s orange.

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@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

@KeetPotato

[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

@AndrewsNotFunny

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

@FrazzleMyGimp

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

@skickwriter

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

@Parentpains

Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*

@jellybnbonanza

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.