ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Wife:Did you take ambien last night?
Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that’s on fire*
W:The dog’s wearing a saddle and she’s orange.
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[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?
*Leaps into garbage compactor*
You can’t prove that I’m not the center of the universe.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.