*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.