Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
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[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
🤣😈🤣
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?