I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Wife:How’d you sleep?
Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo
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Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.
I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.
If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?