@jergarl

Wife:How’d you sleep?

Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo

W:

Ambien:*giggles

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@MrScottEddy

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

@Poutymcgee

Murderer:You can’t hide from me!

Me:*hiding*

Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!

Me:*sweating

Me:

Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.

@Kilgore_Studge

I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.

@LackOfShame

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

@Ixwie

There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.

@fluffysuse

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

@GuyThe_Guy

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

@ericsshadow

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

@Darlainky

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?