Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding