Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.