Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???