Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
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me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
won’t smith
*lint rolls you awake*
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
R.I.P.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
They’re the worst 😩
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.