@EndhooS

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

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@Playing_Dad

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

@TweetPotato314

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”

No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.

@joshgondelman

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

@Death_Buddy

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

@DumbConfessions

God: Women will bleed for a week.

Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.

@Mostly_Cheese

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

@bobvulfov

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

@turtledumplin

Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?