[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
You Might Also Like
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
THIS KID’S GOT MY VOTE
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[Watching “House Hunters”]
Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.
Tim: Our budget is $4 million
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.