@dshack8

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

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@ojedge

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

@Megatronic13

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@House_Feminist

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

@DirtMcTurd

[Watching “House Hunters”]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@JermHimselfish

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.