@truegritrumble

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

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@Shenaniglenns

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

@Storminika

I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’

@JllyJllyFish

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

@dumbbeezie

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

@SadieSkyNinja

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

@MichaelTrying

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

@Mostly_Cheese

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

@Home_Halfway

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@Jill_Doe_

There are few problems in life that can’t be sorted by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and THEN drawing winged eyeliner on a raccoon.