Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
There are few problems in life that can’t be sorted by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and THEN drawing winged eyeliner on a raccoon.