*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
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I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Storm Tropical Storm
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon