Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
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Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid