[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Writing, She Murdered.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang