Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.


I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.


I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.


her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom


My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.


As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.


7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]


*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*


*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger


*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead