Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
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Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.