Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.

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Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium


grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there


Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store


If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.


Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.


My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.


Me: This pandemic is awful.

Wife: The elementary school’s chorus concert has been cancelled.

Me: This pandemic is great.


wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave