Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.

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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer


Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.


Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.


-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


Look lady I don’t need yours or anybody’s help in looking foolish okay?


Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.


If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us


I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.