Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: This pandemic is awful.
Wife: The elementary school’s chorus concert has been cancelled.
Me: This pandemic is great.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing