@living_marble

Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.

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@ceejoyner

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

@morethanMI5

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

@Love_bug1016

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

@SondraDeeMe

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

@IntergalacticQ

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

@BruceForce

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

@ch000ch

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

@slimmy_shady

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

@BestestNerdDad

When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.