me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
You Might Also Like
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”