Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LloBrow

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

@mommajessiec

We cut our bangs at dawn.

@elonmusk

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

@sannewman

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@tsm560

Look lady I don’t need yours or anybody’s help in looking foolish okay?

@FeelingMervis

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.

@lwhit_the_boss

If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us

@DadUnderFire

I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.

@pakalupapito

i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13