Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain