Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space