Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
When ur friends with white people
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
When can I start eating bats again.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
All set.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning