@oscarewilde

[Wild West car dealership]
cowboy: what kind of car do you sell?
dealer: audi
cowboy: yeah hi what kind of car do you sell?

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@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@dreamthievin

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

@trayofcheese

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

@Rlpihl

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

@boring_as_heck

A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.

@FredTaming

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

@secondofhername

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

@punished_picnic

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.