*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.