I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
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piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
) ) )
) ( ) )
if white people /
invaded half of / __
the world for / |
spices, why do /——
they not use it /
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Whew! I almost hit a deer today.
But I managed to calm down and got back in the car before things escalated.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
And if I die before I wake I pray a virus my phone to take.