When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Hubs: How long has your car been doing that?
Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight?
Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it