[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

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I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume


Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you


piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists


On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.


[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.


Today’s tea:

) ) )
) ( ) )
_(___(____)____(___(__ _
if white people /
invaded half of / __
the world for / |
spices, why do /——
they not use it /


My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.


Whew! I almost hit a deer today.

But I managed to calm down and got back in the car before things escalated.


Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive