@flashember

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

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@Jamberee13

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

@prufrockluvsong

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

@MomofTeen

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

@whtedaisy

Hubs: How long has your car been doing that?
Me: ?
Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight?
Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.

@Marlebean

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

@JaySaysStuff

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

@lawbsterfest

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

@CopernicusG

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

@FinnMcIver

our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it