Stop.
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
why no one uses midhusbands
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.