Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*