@UnFitz

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

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@3Snowbee3

Got a new cat today. She gives me disapproving looks all the time. I named her Mom.

@TheAndrewNadeau

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

@simoncholland

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@MichaelTrying

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

@brettminor

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

@sexncake

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

@roxiqt

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,