Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME