“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question