“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Facebook Twitter
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?