Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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Taliband
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
79.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.