Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I’m at my most spiderman when using a public restroom
I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.