@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

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@williamwanton

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

@mom_tho

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

@BobbiStonewall

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@MattMcC1

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

@GrowlyGrego

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

@aspiringtoucan

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

@TweetPotato314

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

@sarah1mc

I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.