if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
You Might Also Like
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.