Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.