@PeterKispert

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

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@ItsAndyRyan

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

@robdelaney

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

@aPunch2theJunk

HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:

Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.

@madamezooble

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

@AnniemuMary

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

@LionJenkins

I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.

@causticbob

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

@david8hughes

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”