Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

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Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom


Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?



Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.


Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”


HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing


My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.


I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.


Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank


[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”