“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
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Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Sorry. Not sorry
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
did it work
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.