Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.