@jessokfine

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

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@WheelTod

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

@SortaBad

[Native Americans see ship approach]
Let’s use fake names lol
“Ha! I’ll be Running Bear,u be Crazy Horse”
lmao do u think they’ll believe us

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@david8hughes

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

@ozzyunc

Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.

@PoodleSnarf

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

@bossy_bootz

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”