My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.