Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…