Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?