Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables