Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
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a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.