As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen