@SteveSuckington

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

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@OhHellsYes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

@delusions_of

Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

@AngelaEhh

My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.

@BritXNic

“Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs.
Me: Ew”

On reflection this would have been a real time saver.

If you’re reading this, call me?

@Jay1972Jay

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

@RBColl

[spelling bee]

Teacher: Your word is indictment.

Me: Can you use that in a sentence?

Teacher: Yes, I can use indictment in a sentence.

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

@JillianKarger

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

@thegreatnanak

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.