“Will someone please just help me open this window? I need to smoke!”

Me, drunk on the airplane

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They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!


Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?



If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.

Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.


(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.


Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers


I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.


*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*


“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player


I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over


4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes