The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her