finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?