Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down
Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in
Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy
cop: there’s a man in your trunk
me: yea a rich man
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.