@LionJenkins

Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about

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@apowerfulbird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy

cop: there’s a man in your trunk

me: yea a rich man

@MorticiaKate

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

@mattZillaaaa

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

@rebrafsim

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

@roxiqt

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

@ComedyAndTruth

Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.

@StansaidAirport

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

@iamjohnsarris

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.