Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.