“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Sheep
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.